My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
