I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
