dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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