Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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