If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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