If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
