She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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