Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
