If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
