If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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