he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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