the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
