I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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