I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
