Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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