...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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