hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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