We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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