just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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