A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
