happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
