what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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