She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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