i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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