4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I love black thongs
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
