There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize