So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize