4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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