I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she looked like the before picture.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
