Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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