You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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