No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
