I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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