you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
