Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize