Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize