apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
