I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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