I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
