I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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