Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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