I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
