just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
