In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
