Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
