she woke up with a sticky ear
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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