I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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