Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
