my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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