mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize