Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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