the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
