worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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