It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
