oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
