I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
