I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
