How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Pooping to opera.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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