Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
