I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
