I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
