I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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