Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
