Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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