brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
